Starkit's Prophecy: Rewritten
by Song of Phoenix
Summary: What better way to start my fanfiction career than to rewrite the infamous tale "Starkit's Prophecy", by xdarkrosesx? Loaded with sarsastic wit, hilarious typos, and a nonexistent plot, it's sure to be interesting! If you like it, why not review, follow, and fave? Disclaimer: I don't own this "story", but I'll try my hardest to entertain all that are interested, so give it a try!
1. Is this the Prologue or Chapter 1?

Chpater oen prouloge

(Prologue)

A few unnamed, rather irrelevant cats gathered around a pool. They all looked into it eagerly, trying to see how their fur looked. A dark shape of questionable relevance to this horrible story appeared on the surface. A blue she-cat, who was probably Bluestar, looked up. Her eyes were bright.

"There is an obvious prophecy!" she said. "Out of the darkness, stars will come and get rid of the evil tiger and holly."

"It's about Starkit!" A white tom said. "She's going to save the forest," the unknown white tom said. He looked at a golden tom by Bluestar, who may or may not have been the blue she-cat in the first paragraph.

"She has powers nobody dreamed of." said the golden tom. "Should we tell Jayfeather?" he asked.

"Yes," said Bluestar. She padded away from the pool to tell Jayfeather about the prophecy, leaving Whitestorm and Lionheart still unnamed.


	2. I Guess the Prologue was Chapter 1

**AN: I totally forgot to put up an author's note last chapter, sorry. Anyway, hope you're enjoying the story and remember to read and review! All reviewers get a Starkit plushie with your choice of rainbow or molting orange eyes!  
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**** Starriewonders317: Sorry about the length of the prologue. The original author made them really short and there's only so much I can do. But the next few chapters are longer. ****

**** Hi comment: Thanks for the flame, but sorry to put you off, this is not my original work. I am simply trying to make you guys laugh! I know it's a horrible prologue and a horrible prophecy, that's why when you search "Starkit's Prophecy" on , there are 47 stories like this one. It's not supposed to be serious, and I would prefer to write my own story. But thanks anyway!****

Chapter to the rose of a Heroin

(Chapter Two)

Starkit woke up and experienced a very unusual phenomenon. Sunlight was actually inside the branches! She closed her eyes again, still too tired to ponder this strange happening. But her mom, who was really molded out of a chunk of butter, wouldn't let her sleep, fearing that her daughter would turn into some margarine.

"Sweetie, it's time to get up," said Dawnsparkle, who may or may not have been Starkit's mom."Today is important today, so important that today had to be said twice!"

"What is it, Mom?" said Starkit, jumping up from her nest. Then she remembered what today was. It was Wednesday! Starkit shook her head. _No, that couldn't be right. _

"It's my ceremony today!" she squealed excercisedly, running on her mini treadmill. Today was the day she became an apprentice!

She flicked outside, even though she did not know how to flick, and waited for her mom, who caught up to her quickly.

"Sweetie, you know the Clans don't accept cat like us sometimes." She said. "You know, cats with purple fur and rainbow/molting orange eyes, whatever that's supposed to mean and cats with garangutan blue eyes."

Starkit glared at some random thing. She didn't like being told that she was weird, even though she totally was. Just because her Mom used to be a ShadowClan cat, her dad should have been with Half Moon, and she should never have been born didn't mean she was different at all!

"Starkit, come here." Said Firestar from the leg of an unsuspecting Twoleg. "It's time for you to become an apprentice. You're a strong, brave, cat and because of that I will mentor you." Firestar meowed, forgetting the words of the actual ceremony. In fact, he completely overlooked the fact that he had to give Starkit her new name.

Everybody gasped. Starkit did too. She heard her mother say, "Wow! I didn't know you were strong and brave, Starkit!" Firestar liked her shoulder. The shade of purple was simply stunning and went so well with her molting orange eyes. As Firestar was admiring her shoulder, he remembered that he had to give Starkit her new name. To cover his mistake, Firestar whispered,"You'll be the best there ever was Starpaw, I know it!" Starpaw was so happy that she didn't realize that her great-grandfather was being sarcastic.

After her ceremony was over, she went over to Jayfeather and Dawnsparkle who were very proud of Starpaw.

"Starpaw, congratulations on becoming an apprentice, but you see, there is this prophecy StarClan gave me. _Out of the darkness, stars will come and get rid of the evil tiger and holly._" Jayfeather meowed. Starpaw gasped. Due to her lack of brain cells, she had absolutely no idea what the obvious prophecy meant.

**AN: And it just gets worse from here. (Sighs) Bye!  
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	3. Blackstar is the Whole ShadowClan

**Thanks for reviewing! Starpaw plushies to Dianacutie- NaLu4ever and AquaxSapphirine! Enjoy the utter horribleness of this trollfic!**

Chapter three the Battle 4 the caln  
>(Chapter 3)<br>Starpaw walked over to the apprentice den. Inside she saw her sisters Flamepaw and Lakepaw, who had been apprenticed before Starkit for some unknown reason, and her strangely named friend Jazzpaw sleeping on some moss.  
>"Jazzpaw, get up." She cried. Jazzpaw opened her brilliant blue eyes and stared at Starpaw's ridiculous appearance.<br>"Do you want to go on patrol with me?" Starpaw asked, forgetting that a. the deputy assigned the patrols and b. Firestar decided when she went on patrol.  
>"Sure!" said Jazzpaw. They padded out of the den together and were a fox-length away from the camp entrance when a large white tom burst through the brambles. It was Blackstar!<br>"Shadowclan are attacking!" She yelled, even though it was only one cat. All the ThunderClan warriors came out of their dens, even the elders and kits! She jumped on the ShadowClan leader, clawed him just once, and he ran off, not because he was injured, but because the sight of a rainbow/molting orange-eyed purple apprentice was too much for his eyes.  
>"Good job, Starpaw!" Firestar called, "The last cat I knew that could fight like that was Sandstorm. You're a good fighter!"<br>Starpaw was so happy, she looked even more strange than usual. She was a good fighter, as good as Sandstorm! Maybe this was what the prophecy meant! Yeah, she thought, even though it made no sense. I'm the awesomest cat in the Clans!

**Review for a Blackstar plushie!**


	4. Firestar Commits Incest

**AN: So sorry for not updating in over a week! I was really busy and I had to fix last chapter's coding problems. Thanks to my awesome reviewers!**

Chapter Three The Traning Under The Star(s)

(Chapter 3)

ShadowClan's leader ran from the camp again, even though he already ran away in the previous chapter. Starpaw smiled. She, an untrained new apprentice with a strange description had won! No one could hurt her family now.

"Starpaw!" said Firestar. "It's time we train, right after a battle! I want to show you how to fight!"

"Okay!" said Starpaw happily. "But you just saw I could fight, right? I just defeated all of ShadowClan!"

"Well, it was only one cat, but I guess so," said Firestar, starting to get fed up with the purple apprentice, "but I wanted to see if that was all you knew."

"Okay," Starpaw mewed again. They went to the training area together and the other unimportant cats cleaned up the nonexistent bodies.

"Time to start, Starpaw," Firestar meowed, "We'll start with how to be a dog."

"Come on, Great-Grandpa! That's too easy!" yelled StarPaw, forgetting to be respectful to her mentor. She'd just beat Blackstar and that obviously meant she was ready for anything!

"Okay, okay." mewled Firestar, who was so exasperated with his apprentice that he had started mewling like a kit.

"Let's learn how to claw an opponent," the ginger leader finally suggested.

"Yeah!" yowled Starkit, wanting to broadcast her reply to the other Clans. She jumped at Firestar, not giving him time to attack. She clawed the legend of the Clans so hard he started bleeding.

"Wow, Starpaw!" Firestar exclaimed in shock. "You're not supposed to unsheathe your claws or hurt your Clan leader in any way, but you did anyway! I'm so impressed!" A sarcastic edge crept into his authoritative meow.

"Really?" mewed StarPaw disbelievingly. She didn't think she was doing that well! Was she really special like the prophecy said, even though the prophecy didn't say she was special?

"Yes, Starpaw." Firestar responded. "Even though I wanted to run far, far away, I couldn't even move! Only Scourge was capable of that."

"Oh my StarClan, really?" screamed Starpaw, unable to contain her shock. She had heard so many stories about him. Apparently he was really evil and killed a lot of cats.

"I just meant that you're a really good fighter, just like Scourge was." Firestar responded hastily. _Wow_, Firestar thought, _Starpaw looks really hot! Her purple fur and molting orange eyes look so much better than Sandstorm, Spottedleaf, and Cinderpelt combined!_

"Oh, thanks." Starpaw's mew drew Firestar out of his reverie. They trained together for awhile longer. Starpaw could have beat Firestar every time, but once she let him win to make him feel better. After all, being defeated eight times by a purple cat on her first day as an apprentice was sure to be discouraging for the leader of ThunderClan.

"Firestar, can we hunt now?" said Starpaw, ignoring the rule that said that the Clan had to be fed first. She was just a little tired after defeating Firestar.

"Oh, we can if you want." Firestar was disappointed, since he had been having so much fun with Starpaw. As they padded through the undergrowth and hunted prey, Starpaw messed up a couple times, a phenomenon very rarely seen in her private little world. Firestar said it was okay since it was only her second time, since she'd had her first time when she was a little kit. She and Firestar had snuck out together, and Firestar was so captivated with Starpaw's mary-sue personality that he chose her as his apprentice.

Later that night, Starpaw looked up at the stars. She and Firestar had so much fun today. They brought back enough food for the whopping one cat in ShadowClan!

Looking up at the stars, she turned to her best friend, Jazzpaw, and said, "Do you think we'll ever be up there?" Starpaw didn't think so. _I'm so awesome, I'll never die!_ The mary-sue apprentice smiled to herself.

"Yeah, totally." said Jazzpaw. "I mean, you'll be leader and I'll be deputy one day. I don't know why I'm saying this because it has nothing to do with Silverpelt."

Starpaw smiling she loved Jazzpaw, since they were best friends. She looked up at the stars again and smiled and fell asleep with the StarClan voices whispering in her head to use commas next time.


	5. Starpaw Has Bad Taste in Toms

**AN: I haven't updated for over a month! Where did the time go! As a reward for being so patient, I'll give all reviewers this chapter a cookie! (::) **

"Starpaw, wake up." Starpaw opened her bright rainbow eyes and looked around.

"Oh my StarClan! Who are you?" Starpaw was so shocked that she almost leapt out of her purple fur.

"It's me, Graystripe!" the former deputy meowed.

"Graystripe, what do you want!" yelped Starpaw. GrayStrpe looked at the purple apprentice strangely.

"Will you be my yoga mat?" He asked, demonstrating a tree pose. "Wait…" he corrected, embarrassed that his passion for meditation had been exposed. "I meant my mate."

"Oh my StarClan, that's so nice, but Firestar already asked me." lied Starpaw.

"Well, then, he's just an idiot!" Graystripe remarked about his best friend.

"Why did you say that?" yelled Starpaw.

"I don't like him." muttered Graystripe, looking around the den quickly to make sure the ginger leader wasn't listening. "He's a mean cat and a Mary-Sue!"

Insulted that Graystripe didn't like Mary-Sues, Starpaw shocked Graystripe with some Twoleg electricity.

"Sorry," Graystripe meowed, as he licked her on the head. I still want you to be my yoga mat." he meowed.

"Well, I dunno. What would Great-Grandpa say? It's not like he doesn't want me to mate with cats four generations before me, but he wants me to be his mate. He's very reasonable." she whispered. Graystripe looked around again, admiring ThunderClan's trees. "I don't think he would mind. You did say he was reasonable." said Graystripe.

"Well, okay!" Starpaw mewed happily.

"What in StarClan is happening!" said Firestar, who had noticed the strange conversation between his apprentice and his best friend. He narrowed his green eyes.

"Um, nothing! Go back to sleep! N-nothing is wrong!" Starpaw lied. She was not a good liar

"Yeah, Firestar, there's nothing to worry about!" echoed Graystripe but Firestar wasn't convinced. "I thought I heard you asking her to be your mate! How is that nothing to worry about? I want to be with her!" The leader began to uncharacteristically attack his best friend.

"No, I do!" an unnamed cat shouted.

"Stop fighting! You can BOTH be my yoga mats! By the way, I didn't know you did yoga, Great-Grandpa!" Starpaw mewed.

"No, we can't do that, there can only be one yoga mat!" Firestar yowled angrily.

"So, Starpaw, who will you pick?" meowed Gaystripe. Graystripe had apparently changed his name to Gaystripe, even though he was not gay.

**AN: If this made you laugh, review! If you hated this, review! Just review! And if you like this story, check out my first original story! **


	6. Starpaw Has Even Worse Taste in Toms

**And Starpaw is back! I swear, XxdarkrosesxX's grammar and spelling are getting worse as the story goes on. It's ridiculous. Hopefully I made it better.**

"I..I…" Starpaw stuttered. She was so foncusded that she neglected to realize that foncusded is not a word! Two cats had already asked her to be their mates. What was she supposed to do? Dump them? Run away? Explain that she was just an apprentice and they were way too old for her? Say no? Tell them to buy a yoga mat from Amazon instead? Starpaw shook her freakishly purple head. _None of those options are reasonable at all. _They were both handsome, but both had yoga mats already! And she loved them both! Firestar was kind and he obviously liked her a lot, but maybe it was because he was her great-grandfather. Gaystripe was so funny and cool, and she loved his new name. Starpaw thought about changing her name to Lesbianpaw, but she liked Starpaw a little bit better.

"Exclamation point!" said Starpaw's ass as she ran into the forest. It was too much! She felt the desire to insert a random hashtag. #Shecouldn'tchoose!

She run and ran and run, changing from present to past tense until her paws hurt. Then, she realized that she had crossed the border. _Oh, no! Shadowclan will get me for sure! After all, I did just defeat their leader._ "What are you doing here!" said Blackstar as he waked up. He, not being a very good leader, had apparently taken a nap not a fox-length from the ThunderClan border. He was exhausted after the battle, and forgot to use good grammar.

"I'm sorry!" mewed Starpaw. "I totally didn't mean to, even though I should have known that ThunderClan doesn't own the whole territory!'

"That's okay," said Blackstar, "No one's perfect." He was extremely out of characher.

"No, that's not true." shouted Starpaw, offended. "StarClan is."

"What do you mean?" asked Blackstar, twitching his ear.

"Well, StarClan gives us so much help! They are so perfect. I want to be like them when I die!" mewed Starpaw. "Without them, we would be lost." The purple cat apparently thought that her explanation was actually reasonable and true.

"I guess that's true," Blackstar said, accepting Starpaw's strange logic. "Besides, I didn't really mean that anyway.

"Oh, really? Why?" asked Starpaw.

"Because you are." Blackstar meowed, becoming infatuated with the apprentice.

"What!" yowled Starpaw, bounding away from Blackstar. Blackstar, feeling an out of character pang of compassion for the ThunderClan apprentice. He tried to hug her.

Starpaw flinched, her eyes wide.

"Are you trying to molest me! Get away from me! I'll never bother you again If you leave me alone!"

"I...I..." Blackstar started to explain that he was only going to give her a kind, innocent hug, but Starpaw didn't seem to care. She interrupted him, her rainbow eyes narrowed.

"No!" she shouted. "I don't need another tom after me! I got enough problems right now anyway!

"But... you're the prettiest, most talented, most perfect purple cat I have ever met!" Blackstar yowled, ignoring the fact that Starpaw was the only purple cat he had met. "You beat me in battle! You must be perfect!" Of course, with Blackstar's reasoning, Brokenstar and Tigerstar also had to be perfect.

"No way!" shitted Starpaw. She ran into the forest again. Tears rolled down her oddly-colored cheeks, soaking into her fur.

"StarClan help me!" she yowled to Silverpelt. But the starry spirits only shook their shimmering heads, wondering why on earth they would ever help such a Mary-Sue.

**If I was StarClan, I wouldn't give a damn. Review if you would too!**


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